Game of Thrones: S3 E5 “Kissed By Fire”

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There was a lot of nakedness this week….

Jon Snow & Ygritte: One of the Wildlings is questioning Snow about The Wall. There are 19 strongholds but only 3 are still guarded. He says Castle Black only has 1,000 men and he is warned that he will be killed if he’s lying. Ygritte grabs Jon’s sword, like a 5-year old stealing candy, and runs into a cave. There, like the whore she is, she strips naked and entices Snow to get it on. He can only resist so long before he’s kissing her down… yeah down there, which she will go on and on about later, apparently Snow’s got some skills in the bedroom. Ygritte starts talking about all her ex bed mates, and yes there’s been quite a few, no surprise there, which irritates Jon, mostly because he’s a virgin, or was a moment ago, and all this chatter is probably making him feel inadequate in some way. The red headed whore makes some comment about being “kissed by fire” and then she asks him to join her in the hot baths.

Arya Stark & Beric Dondarrion: Beric and The Hound begin their combat trial with Beric brandishing a sword that lights on fire after her rubs some blood on it. They duel and The Hound delivers a blow to Beric that not only kills the man, but wins his freedom. Arya is outraged and begins screeching about something or other before launching herself, knife if hand, at The Hound, to no avail.  Beric’s priests surround him and say a pray to the Lord of Light and voila! Beric is alive…WTF…

Gendry tells Arya he is going to join the Brotherhood as their blacksmith; Arya is not pleased. He tries explaining to her that he has nothing, no family, “I can be your family”. Gendry replies with a sweet reminder, “You won’t be my familiy. You’ll be m’lady”. Arya, you’re mother barely allowed you’re half brother to eat at the dinner table with you…do you really think she’s letting the Baratheon bastard do it?

Later, Arya has a chat with Beric and Thoros. We learn the Brotherhood is going to take Arya to Riverrun and reunite her with Robb for a fee. Beric also says he has died six times and Thoros keeps bringing him back. There’s a big difference, fantasy fans know, between mostly dead and all dead. I’m unsure why Thoros was able to heal his bones and organs but not his eye. Perhaps the Lord of Light thinks eye patches look cool. Also, if Beric keeps getting into fights and keeps being killed over and over again, perhaps it’s time to retire and quit fighting people.

Jaime Lannister & Brienne of Tarth: They have arrived at the home of Roose Bolton, one of Robb’s bannermen. He immediately has Brienne removed from her ties and apologizes for any discomfort. He sends Jaime off to see Qyburn, the sole survivor of Harrenhal. He is a maester but was banned from practicing because his experiments were too bold. They discuss Jaime’s hand and he insists on being treated without any Milk of the Puppy. After everything he’s been through, I’m not sure I would want to be sedated either. Later on, Brienne is taking a nice bath in the hot springs when Jaime shows up and joins her in the bath…awkward… he starts insulting her, as usual.. something about Renly which makes her stand straight up in anger towards him. She is completely exposed and Jaime is perhaps speechless for once. Jaime apologizes, which is long overdue. This guy is a complete asshat and thinks he can just run his mouth at a whim. Pretty boy, Daddy isn’t here to save you so shut it! He tells Brienne that he trusts her and then launches into this whole story about why he killed the Mad King. He was obsessed with Wildfire and had it hidden all over King’s Landing. When Tywin and his troops were about to advance on King’s Landing, Jaime advised the Mad King to surrender, but instead he took Maester Pycelle’s advice to let Tywin in to destroy the city. Then he ordered Jaime to ride out and kill his father, meanwhile his pyromancer would light all the Wildfire, which would have destroyed everyone and everything in King’s Landing. Jaime makes the snap decision to kill the pyromancer and the Mad King, which Ned Stark walks in on. Instead of explaining himself, he allows Ned to pass judgement immediately on the scene he witnesses. This confession is pivotal to the character of Jaime Lannister. Up until this point, he has seemed like a smarmy, cocky, dirt bag, who bangs his sister and gives no care or concern for anyone else; in this light we see a man who couldn’t allow innocent people to die and took on the reputation of someone who killed their King because he is disloyal. Interesting. Jaime then passes out and Brienne catches him.

Tyrion Lannister & Lady Olenna Tyrell: Tyrion and Lady Olenna sit down to discuss the upcoming nuptials and who’s going to be paying for them. They debate back and forth until Lady Olenna finally relents and agrees to pay for half the expenses. 

Robb Stark: Remember those little blonde haired Lannister kids being held captive at Riverrun? One of Robb’s bannerman, Karstark and some of his men bust into the kids cell and murder them. It’s quite a gruesome and horrifying scene. Robb is furious at Karstark, whose son with killed by Jaime Lannister. He questions Robb’s authority when he basically declares that Robb isn’t going to do anything significant to him so really let’s just get on with our day. I’m sure his accomplices are thinking, dear god please shut up before you get us all killed. Robb orders Karstark to be locked up and his men hanged… one of them chimes in that he only watched, didn’t participate. Robb says, “Hand him last so he can watch the others die.” WELCOME KING ROBB!! Up until this point, Robb’s “kingly” status was in question. For me, at least. He still seemed like a young man trying to find his way. During this scene I found myself shouting at the tv, “who does this guy think he IS talking to the King in the North like that!” and basically begging Robb to put a sword in his mouth. Lady Catelyn (the good advice giver), his wife and Uncle Eddy all beg him not to kill Karstark, otherwise they’ll lose the support of his men. Robb’s wife (who annoys me on an equal plain with Ygritte) is trying to convince him not to kill Karstark and I’m thinking, who asked you, gold digging, social climber? But I digress… Robb ignores them all, as I hoped he would, and has Karstark taken out to the garden, where in true Ned-like fashion, Robb chops his head off. Robb starts thinking about Winterfell and comes up with a plan, he will take Casterly Rock from the Lannisters… but… he needs help… in the form of Lord Frey, you remember the guy whose daughter he was supposed to marry.

Stannis Baratheon: Forgot about him for a minute didn’t you, yeah me too. He pays his wife a visit… oh yeah she exists. He attempts to tell her about sleeping with Melisandre, but she already knows… anything for the Lord of Light. Geez, this Lord sure is special… she is HAPPY that Melisandre was able to give him what she couldn’t, a son… pan over to big glass jars containing stillborn babies- excuse me while I pause to go throw up. He asks to see “her” and the wife tells him not to bother, its a waste of time. What? What the hell are they talking about… Stannis goes to visit his daughter! Ahhh ok got it… it seems like she’s locked up, but apparently she’s palsies with Davos so I guess she roams free? We see she is disfigured, her face is all scaly.. but what a cute, sweet little girl. She’s excited to see her daddy and she asks why Davos hasn’t been to see her, she has a gift for him. Stannis cruelly informs her that Davos is a traitor. Gee Dad, thanks for being a Debbie Downer.. nice talk.

Danerys Targaryen: Ser Jorah and Ser Barristan are playing the “who’s is bigger game” while Dany is talking with The Unsullied. She learns that they were all given these terrible names when they became slaves and she tells them they are free to choose a new name now. Greyworm, one of the leaders, tells her that he wants to keep his name, it’s lucky because it’s the one he had the day Dany freed him. (awwww)

Sansa Stark & Loras Tyrell: Sansa is anxious to know when Margaery will talk with Loras about their engagment, she assures her she will right after her wedding. Loras and his sparring partner hit the sheets. Afterwards, Loras wants to know how he knew about him liking men. His bed mate reveals that Littlefinger told him…. he also told him there was a plan for Loras to marry Sansa. Littlefinger visits with Sansa and offers to take her to The Vale. She declines saying she wants to stay in King’s Landing out of concern for him, or so she can marry her gay knight.

Tywin Lannister: He summons Cersei and Tyrion to a meeting. He is rather unimpressed with Tyrion’s money handling and Cersei is smirking in the corner. Tywin is not pleased with Tyrell’s trying to marry Sansa to Loras… “trying to steal the North out form under me”. He notes that plots are often public knowledge and he intends to shut down the Tyrell’s without making it seem like it was intentional. The solution.. Sansa will marry… wait for it… Tyrion. He is horrified by the notion and throws in his father’s face that he was married once before. Cersei is delighted by all of this until… Tywin tells her she will be marrying Loras! Cersei, of course, makes waves and Tywin shuts her down…we have to dispel these nasty rumors about her and Jaime after all.

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