Now that everything and everyone is in place… let the Game continue… the first 2 episodes served to set the stage for this season, following this episode, I can tell you A LOT is going to happen. This episode kicked off many story lines and propelled them into all different directions.
Robb Stark: Robb and the crew have journeyed to Riverrun for the funeral of his grandfather, Catelyn’s father. The episode begins with her brother Edmure and his horrific bow and arrow skills as he tries to light the funeral pyre his father is sailing out to sea on. Robb, reminding us he’s still young and not totally ruined by this war, is stifling laughter watching his dear ole Uncle’s embarrassing display of archery. Catelyn just glares, because well…that’s what she does. Leave it to her Uncle Brynden the Blackfish to toss Edmure aside, check the wind, and set an arrow into the sky. He doesn’t even bother to wait to make sure it hits; he knows its will, turns and stalks away shaking his head. Inside the castle, Brynden isn’t the only one fed up with Edmure’s clear lack of incompetence. Robb rips into him for screwing up his war plan. This exchange is a bit confusing as Robb refers to the leader of the enemy as “Mad Dog”. He’s talking about The Mountain (The Hound’s brother) who is the leader of the Lannister army. Edmure chose to fly into battle, driving Mad Dog away; while he won the battle, he lost many men. Robb’s intention was to have them chasing his army all over Westeros and had Edmure just been patient… well needless to say, no one is happy with Edmure at the moment.
Tyrion Lannister: Tywin is waiting at the head of his table for the Small Council where one of the best scenes of the entire series plays out. Tywin is seated at the head of the table, all the other chairs are lined up along the left side of the table. Littlefinger, Varys, and Master Pycelle pause unknowing of how to proceed. Littlefinger moves first and takes the first seat next to Tywin. Varys and Master Pycelle follow. Cersei survey’s the situation, picks up the last chair and carries it around the table and sits right next to her father wearing her famous smug, delighted smile. Now it’s Tyrion’s turn… he walks to the last chair on the end, tilts it back and very slowly, noisily, and obnoxiously drags it in jest of the jockeying for position that just happened. He places the chair opposite his father, facing him as the equal at the table. WELL DONE MY LORD! Not only does he manage to make fun of the others for their childish attempt at being Daddy’s favorite, but he also gains to piss off his father. Here we have several characters who have all at one point or another had to defend their position and attempt to raise their standing, basically playing a game of chess with their chairs. Game of Thrones is the title! So what are they there for… Littlefinger is going to The Vale to marry Lady Catelyn’s sister, Lysa (you know the one with the breast feeding 8 year old). Littlefinger really wants one of the Tully ladies! Sad, really. Tywin hopes this will mean Lysa will be on his side and not Robb’s… he’s met Littlefinger right? Littlefinger is on whatever side suits his needs. Because Littlefinger will be leaving, his job Master of Coin is delegated to Tyrion. After the council meeting, Tyrion heads over to the brothel where Littlefinger keeps the financial books. They have a little chat about what it is Littlefinger actually does with the money and then off he goes. Tyrion decided to reward Podrick, his squire, for saving his life last year by giving him 3 prostitutes to enjoy. This scene is funny as the women come out of the walls from nowhere and Podrick seems mystified. What is even MORE funny is what happens afterwards. Podrick returns and gives Tyrion back his money. Tyrion insists that he take it, it was a gift and not pay himself. Podrick reveals he was so good, the girls wouldn’t take his money. Tryion and Bronn sit him down, grab a drink, and pull up a chair… they want details.
Arya Stark: Arya is stil under the assumption that she is a prisoner, even though Thoros reminds her she can leave at any time. The Hound is being moved somewhere and she steps in front of him and asks, “do you remember the last time you were here?” He doesn’t answer and I’m not sure why she asks this because there is no clarification; my assumption is this is the same village where the boy who befriended her was killed. Hot Pie tells Arya and Gendry he won’t be joining them any longer, they lady of the Inn has given him a job baking. They say their goodbyes and Hot Pie gives her a wolf shaped bread thing. It’s a sad moment and you expect her to give him a hug, instead she assures him her wolf bread tastes delicious. Bye Hot Pie (useless character write out).
Jon Snow: Mance and the crew come across where Snow’s Crow comrades were murdered and possessed by White Walkers. All that is left behind is horse body pieces in some form of abstract art. Salvador Dali would love it. Mance is unimpressed and he orders Giantsbane to take a small team, Snow included, and climb the wall. Climb the wall? It’s an ice wall? Do they have the proper gear for this? Are there footholds in the wall?
Samwell Tarly: The Lord Commander and the remaining members of the Night’s Watch find themselves at Creepy Craster’s house again. Screams are coming from outside, it’s one of Craster’s daughters in labor again. She can “bite down on a rag or she can bite down on my fist…women!”, sweet isn’t he? Craster then suggests that they feed off of Sam, “he’s a walking feast!”. After being almost left for dead last week, Sam jumps up and stalks outside. He finds the girl who’s screeching her head off.. I think it was the one he was smitten with last time… he watches while she gives birth and demands to know “what is it?”… a boy. Poor thing will be off to the White Walkers tonight.
Theon Greyjoy: The mysterious boy from last week releases Theon, gives him a horse and tells him to ride East where his sister is waiting. Theon takes off as fast as he can. (Sidenote for non-book readers: I was informed that in the books, after Theon is clonked over the head, he doesn’t appear again until book 5. This is, I guess, what happens to him when he’s “off page”). He thinks he’s gotten away when arrows start flying by his head. His mysterious captors have found him and make chase. He doesn’t get away and one of the men is about to rape Theon, because that’s what they do with runaways? Ok… Mysterious Boy appears and saves his arse once again.
Stannis Baratheon: Melisandre is leaving to go on some mysterious mission. Stannis begs her to stay, ugh, because he wants Joffrey and Robb dead. He asks her to make him another black smoke baby, and she reminds him this is not LOST. He is not strong enough to make another one, it will kill him, but she can find someone else with royal blood to do so. Hmmm…
Danerys Targaryen: Back in Astapor… Dany is walking along the waterfront where there appears to be a Walk of Shame if you will, all slaves being crucified for the public to see. Dany feels sorry for them and tries to give one of the men water, he refuses it. She’s confused (bitch u crazy! This man wants to die ASAP!) Ser Barristan and Ser Jorah are having a little debate about buying the slave army. Ser Barristan thinks they can find soldiers in Pentos, after all, men died for her brother because they loved him, they were passionate about their King. This is what she needs, soldiers that are loyal to her. Ser Jorah argues that they aren’t real mean and won’t lose control. Like the petulant child she often is, Dany does whatever she wants, so why they’re even bothering with this conversation is beyond me. Dany bargains with the slave master, she wants all 8,000 unsullied AND the ones in training. She wants all or nothing baby. The slaver’s subtitles are hilarious again as he says things like, “because I like the curve of her ass” which is translated to “master is generous”. He says she doesn’t have enough money to buy them and she offers one of her dragons. Slave Master gets excited, he wants two… no dice buddy, it’s one and done. Barristan and Jorah begin having a hissy fit (morons, you don’t actually think she’s going to let this guy keep her dragon? Or that the dragon is going to stay with this man and not follow his mother?). She shoots them the evil eye and they shut up. Dany also wants the translator, as a gift. Once outside, she gives Barristan and Jorah a good ole talking too… do NOT question me in front of outsiders. Dany also chats with translator girl, to make sure she really wants to be with her. After all, she’s gotta be better than slave master dude. Dany says one of my favorite lines here… “Yes, all men must die … but we are not men.”
Brienne of Tarth & Jaime Lannister: Brienne and Jaime are tied up on horseback travelling god knows where while the men of House Bolton are singing a little tune. Jaime is still sullen about being beaten by Brienne and so he is making up excuses, he was tied up blah blah blah…face it Jaime, you’re not as great as you think you are; which Brienne confirms when she says she is disappointed, he’s supposed to be this legend…then again… legends never do live up to their name. Jaime silences her by telling her when they make camp that evening, the men are going to rape her. He advises her not to resist, close her eyes and pretend they’re Renly. Can it be? Is Jaime being NICE to Brienne? Once they make camp that evening, the men come for Brienne, as Jaime said they would, and she decides to resist. Jaime calls over to Locke (the guy in charge) and says, “you know who she is don’t you?”. He explains that she comes from Sapphire Island and her father will pay her weight in Sapphire’s to get her back, but she has to be unbesmirched. Jaime, with the bigs words, has to explain that unbesmirched means “not defiled”. It works and Brienne is saved… wow Jaime… that was really sweet of you. Jaime over plays his hand here and begins attempting to manipulate Locke some more. He mentions his father’s wealth and how he will pay handsomely for Jaime’s freedom… THEN the idiot tries to convince Locke to untie him so he can sleep right, and maybe grab a bite to eat. Now you’re pushing it Jaime. Locke, unimpressed with his attempts, takes Jaime over to a tree stump where he chastising him for the attempted manipulations. For a moment, you think Locke is just trying to scare him… until… he turns around and lobs off Jaime’s hand!!!!!! WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jaime is in shock but then screams maddeningly!!!
The End. Damn you, Game of Thrones. Until next week.